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|Tuesday, July 18th, 2006|
|What's the deal
As many of you know, last summer, my husband and I built a beautiful apartment for my mother. I was right there, framing walls, hanging sheetrock,Insulating, seaming, compound, painting, All that needed to be done I was there.
3 months of my time, and never received a thank you. I actually expected that.
Well mom came home on saturday from the hospital. No Chemo,or radiation, just take it slow, but keep moving, or she could get clots, or pneumonia. I would be so grateful.
Had my nieces graduation party Saturday, I made fruit salad, & ambrosia for 150 people. Before I left, Mom say's I need groceries, today, I have nothing here. So, I cut the party short, went & got groceries, came home put them away, brought leftovers for her to eat for dinner, & this is what I heard. "yuk, it is to salty, did you think it was salty?" No I thought it was good.
Sunday morning, my daughter went to check on her & she say's to Stasya, "I am waiting for my coffee." What the hell, am I know the local restaurant?
Well Monday comes, and she wants a burger on the grill. Stasya say's she wants it big, O.K. I can do this. I grill the burger, put cheese on it. make homemade mashed potatoes, tossed salad, fruit salad, and up I go. She says is there carrots, No, but there is a salad. I went up an hour later,
and she says, "I didn't want cheese on my burger & I wanted it rare, and you put cheese on my salad, yuk!!! I say sorry, come downstairs, and cry. How can one be so ungrateful??
Today she calls and wants the kids to turn the tv down. I think she forgot that i did her a favor, by building this place, and I was short & hung up.
So tonight I made spareribs, pasta with cheese, and spinach, with a slice of watermelon. I brought it up, and she said what's the matter? For the first time ever, I said, " I was kind of upset that you wanted the kids to turn the tv down." She said she was sorry, got a puss on and i left.
Miracles do happen, She just came down and wants me to get her Orange soda when I bring the kids to VBS, (not fulmont). I say yes, and all is happy. Except me.
How much does one have to take before snapping? my husband works 2nd shift, I have 8 year old twins, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and mom. I feel like I am going out of my mind.
Tomorrow is a new day, maybe it will get better.
Oh yeah, sister & brother have done shit, of course.
That's all for know, just venting. I feel better!!!! Current Mood: crushed
|Wednesday, July 12th, 2006|
|Update on Mom
It has been a couple of crazy days, but I got through it. Had help from friends, and just focused on the task at hand, and what was important.
The doctor told my mom he got all the cancer, but only time will tell. She is feeling better today, nose tube out, Catheter out, walking, and goofing around.
The nurses definitely seen her mental illness come out in full swing, I kept blessing them, because she was not very nice to a few of them. I told them it's okay, she'll be fine in a couple minutes.
Now she just needs to eat, but she is still afraid, as she kept getting sick. Hopefully she will be able to keep something down, and come home soon.
That's all for now, and for those of you who helped, gave a kind word, or said a prayer, I say Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Julie Current Mood: excited
|Sunday, July 9th, 2006|
Well my mom had surgery on Thursday, July 6th, and has been diagnosed with Colon cancer. She is doing much better, but the med's she has been on is making her nuts.Every day is a new issue.
She was yelling for her mommy, and Daddy, who have been gone for years, my heart just broke.
I went this morning, and she seems to be doing better, but not great.
I will know more tomorrow,once the pathology report comes back. We should know then if it spread, or if he got it all. He removed 3/4 of her large intestine, which had a very large tumor, and numerous small tumors.
My mom and I have had our troubles, but we always get through things. I think right now I am numb, and going through the motions. Having 8 year old twins, and a hubby, I get overwhelmed, and of course I have two siblings, but guess who was their alone the day of the surgery, If you guessed me, your right.
That is all for now, just please keep us all in your prayers.
|Wednesday, March 30th, 2005|
I have had the same dream for two nights now. I woke up wondering if I am supposed to get something from this dream. I know it was only a dream, but I also know God speaks to some in dreams. Could he be speaking to me?
There are changes going on in my life right now that are good. I have been blessed by numerous things this past week and glowing with the lords joy.
But, this dream is not pleasant, I am not part of it, just looking on, and there is always a fight, and someone gets left for dead. I don't know who it is that is lying there in a pool of blood, but it just makes me wonder. Could the lord be telling me about a specific issue that happened in my life this year, or is it something else?
It just makes me think.
I also know that God is good all of the time. Current Mood: thoughtful
|Thursday, March 10th, 2005|
I have been thinking about trust. Who do I really trust? I am not sure. Can I trust people with the thoughts that I have, or do I have to be worried about them telling others.
This past month has been an experience. From visiting my girlfriend in Florida, who I know I can trust, to having people enter my live, who I am not sure I can trust. I don't like feeling this way, but I do. I would be happy going to florida once a month to have an honest, heart warming, non judging, and loving conversation, with a non-christian, sad, but true. Who lets me say what I feel,and makes me feel safe.
I have learned to trust God, but I still have the sense that people are people, and everyone, in my mind has a motive. I am going to be working on this, but trust for me is huge!
As God has put a new chapter in my life, I need to step out of my box, but I am not comfortable, yet. I once was, and was hurt, so this is going to take time. I cannot get over it in a minute.
I have a lot of work in front of me, and I really don't know if I can trust anyone other than God, my guards are up, and I am scared. Current Mood: thoughtful
|Wednesday, February 16th, 2005|
Through a lot of thought, and guilt, I have come to realize that a place I used to call home can no longer be a part of my life.
I have had the idea that it would be able to return to the great place it was, yet I realized that for this recovering person I am only living in denial. I lived in denial most of my live, waiting for things to change, but I now know that it will not happen, and it only affects my negative thoughts, which I can not have.
I continue to pray that the lord open up the other door, as promised, and I will be able to live, worship, and love in a positive un-controlling environment.
I no longer feel guilty about leaving this place, I do however miss the few friends I had, but I know that God will take care of us all, in his time. Current Mood: thoughtful
|Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005|
I feel so sad today.
I have friends who are dealing with things that are beyond anyones control, but God's.
I want to tell my friends, I am thinking and praying for them and their situations.
Sometimes I don't feel like a good friend, because of my own family, I am not readily available to help them out. But I want them to know, they are in my heart all the time.
You know who you are,
Smiles, hugs, and much love. Current Mood: sad
|Thursday, December 30th, 2004|
|Loss of a friend, again!
The thought of my friend, at 42 years old quickly dying of heart attack, and leaving a young boy and husband, saddens me so much.
"Eileen was a loving and devoted wife and mother. She leaves behind Vincent her husband of twenty years and the love of her life, to whom she was married on April 28, 1984. She adored her son Joey
and dedicated her life to raising him to be the fine young man he is."
I question why, but know that God had other plans for her.
She was the funniest, sweetest, kind, gentle soul, I will certainly miss her, and her great laugh. I would meet her at Stewart's before we were off to work, and always talk about the Buffalo Bills. We were both Huge fans.
Walking into that store will never quite be the same.
I just pray that the lord watch over her son, and husband, as they enter a new phase in their life.
It makes me wonder, what is really important. Do all the unnecessary worries really matter? NO!
I am very sad today. The loss of a friend only makes me appreciate the simple things in life.
Eileen, I know you are in a better place, and know that I will keep your family in my prayers.
You are loved, and will be missed very much. Current Mood: sad
|Sunday, December 19th, 2004|
After having a sister in Christ Get in my face today, with her finger pointed, telling me to shut up, or step up, I am feeling more likely to walk away from a place I knew as home.
I am starting to believe what my brother said was true, "they read the book, but are no better" I know I am not any better for snapping back at her, but how dare you tell me I am bringing division in the church, and that I need to shut up.
There is a hierarchy in the church, and it doesn't have God at the top. I was taken aback, at the way she treated me, yelled at me, and pointed her finger in my face. And after the fact gave me a hug, and said " I said some pretty hurtful things, but you need to pray, and keep your mouth shut, and step up".
Why step up, she made it perfectly clear that it was her way or the highway. I am pretty sickened by her response, and I will pray for God to help me forgive her.
I don't know the outcome, but will continue to pray, in hopes that changes will be made. It may be I never have to walk in there again. And her telling me you are following a man, not God. Maybe I am but that man was a true reflection of the God I now, not what I see lately.
I am rambling, and hoping for some peace. Current Mood: crushed
|Tuesday, November 30th, 2004|
I sometimes wonder if my life took a different path, where would I be? I think about the past and the poor choices I made, and wonder if only I had done this or that, would my life be different.
I am slowly coming to understand that the way my life has gone, the good and the bad, was known before I was even born. If I had the chance to change things would I? Oh yeah! But I have to be content where the lord has placed me in this time in my life.
I Know he put me in this particular job, I prayed about it. But, sometimes I wonder why?
I wanted to get married, I prayed about it, and then chaos, and turmoil, Why? to grow closer to Him.
I have to stop focusing on the could, would and should of's, and focus on what is really important, and that for me is focusing on Christ. Nothing else really matters, if my eyes aren't on the one who directs my life, I might as well take my will back, and go along and suffer some more.
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Just for today, My thoughts will be on the one who matters, not a church torn apart, an old friendship, or anything that gets in the way of what is important.
Nothing else matters, so wondering does no good. Current Mood: curious
|Wednesday, October 27th, 2004|
Times are trying, and yes, it was wonderful that a group of people I no longer trust, asked for forgiveness.
What about the children who say where is he? How come he isn't here? Did anyone think about that?
No it all goes back to the selfish needs of people. Concerned with self, and not others families.
When they can make a suggestion on how to handle questions based on children's curiosity, than maybe, just maybe I would think about going back.
Children are our future, and no one mentioned anything about them. without being resentful, my children need to belong to a place where they matter also, and that was not shown.
Ecclesiastes 3: 6
A time to search, and a time to lose.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak up.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
And as Solomon said “I also noticed that throughout the world there is evil in the courtroom. Yes, even the courts of law are corrupt! I said to myself, 'in due season God will judge everyone, both good and bad, for all their deeds.'...I observed all the oppression that takes place in the world. I saw tears of the oppressed, with no one to comfort them. The oppressors have great power, and the victims are helpless" (Ecclesiastes 3:16- 17, 4:1) (LRB)
Is there hope? Only God knows.
|Sunday, October 24th, 2004|
The meeting was alright last night, however I was hugely offended when the ministry leader who helps single parents, was made to feel horrible when she asked for donations for a single dad, without a job. The response was not what I would have said, but there are alot of things that I would have done differently.
I was appalled when it was mentioned about certain trouble makers who won't let it rest, when in fact there would be no trouble if things were done differently.
This is still a place I called home, but as i left last night I get a peaceful feeling that it was time to go. The peaceful feeling I had when I chose to leave a dysfunctional home I once lived in.
To find a place that is based on trust, not the lacking of.
I know people will be people, and learning to trust again is a whole different area.
There are a few people I do trust, but I felt there was no progress, it was all a blame game.
Yes, I appreciate them asking for forgiveness, but with the smirks,and arrogance was it real? only God knows that, and he will send this family in a new direction.
I am going back to the principles of NA, and relying on my Higher Power, and trusting in him.
Not impostor's, or people who claim to be trustworthy. Current Mood: relieved
|Wednesday, October 20th, 2004|
A home I used to know suddenly taken away, by people.
It reminded me of cheers, where everyone knows your name, except we fellowshipped, and drank great coffee.
Now it is an empty place with no joy, peace, or home atmosphere.
I keep asking why? How? When? was I sleeping?
This week it is, happy, happy, subs, and pies. Come and meet, greet, and put the past to rest.
Will the past ever be gone? If so it will take a long time, like years of therapy for a past I once lived.
I only hope that it can be restored, but i have negative feelings about that.
The "Big Guy" knows the answer, and I will patiently wait, (saying hurry up)for the answer that he has for me, my family, and my friends, who I love so much.
He will answer our prayers. Current Mood: blah
|Sunday, October 17th, 2004|
Ah, another day at a place that takes all my joy away. So that is telling me to get rid of it, let go of it, and eliminate it.
I can only take so much of the, i am wrong, and their right. I will take the blame and apologize for words I have said that weren't kind, but I am still waiting for an apology for others wrong doings, and it is not going to happen.
I am tired of the suck it up, and deal with it attitude. It just turns me off in a big way.
A place that was once home for this family, has now become like the home I grew up in. Where I had imaginary friends, smoked and drank things I should not have, and became an absolute mess.
People may turn me off, but God will not do that. I am feeling sick, and having thoughts of running away from religion altogether, I know it isn't right, but how can so called people of the lord inflict so much pain.
It is time to let go. Not of my friends I have made, but of people who claim to be something they are not. Current Mood: gloomy
|Sunday, September 26th, 2004|
A day of Joy, and peace, and the word being feed to me in a positive way.
As I am still feeling the effects of the sting by people's choices, I am once again on guard from being hurt. The walls are up, and don't try to come through.
I have worked so hard to break the walls down, and learning to trust again, and once again the rug gets pulled out, and I am still flying from those effects.
I am trusting my Higher Power to help me through this, however I am once again turned off, by what has happened.
It makes me question, is there really a Higher power who loves me, cradles me in time of need, or is it time to move on, and never turn back. I am so confused by all of this, and only hope that things can smooth out,and I stop flying from the effects, and learn to trust again. Current Mood: confused
|Friday, September 24th, 2004|
Of anticipating the worst.
Of fighting a battle that I feel cannot be won, because of people's control issues.
Trying to focus on what is important, and not Importance of a non changing situation.
Grateful for many things in my life, yet bewildered by things that come into play.
I feel like it is a chess game, and waiting for the big guy to make the next move. Will it be in favor of what I want, or what he feels is important? Only time will tell.
But for today, my stocking didn't run, the kids are dressed, and the Lord has given me another chance to live my life according to his will, not others, or my free will. Current Mood: hopeful
|Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004|
|Wanting to RUN
As I have been in constant turmoil over a place that was once home, I am now beginning to feel that I need to detach with love.
I am starting to build resentments, and they are not good for this recovering soul.
God knows the outcome, but do I want to keep rehashing the series of events that took place, NO! it is not good for me. When people are in control, and not the one who is actually in control, I start doubting.
I am at a place where I feel that isolation is the best way, however I know it isn't. But what a better way, to run and hide from the things that have hindered my growth. As a child I used to escape with food, alcohol, drugs, and anything that would take the pain away. I sometimes wonder if it would no be the best way, but I know it isn't.
As i was reading Patsy Clairmont's book, she writes about her grandmother, a women who loved the lord, and followed him closely. She was locked in a closet with noone around, and she prayed, and continued to pray, and the door opened. There was noone around, and she knew that the lord had answered her prayer. I am waiting with anticipation for him to answer our prayers. I know he will but is the prayer I am praying the wrong one. Is it really time to go, and leave a place that was so comfortable, or do I wait for him to answer the prayer many are praying? i do not know.
For today, I will focus on what is important. I will try not to think about escaping to a place where pain is not felt, where life goes on without you. I will have hope that the lord will fix the mess. But I don't know what to do.
Do I stay or do I go? Only HE knows. Current Mood: drained
|Saturday, July 17th, 2004|
As i have been sitting here thinking about God's grace, and love, I become overwhelmed by his love for me, and my family. Biological, and extended.
I have been in some pretty good space lately, even with the things that can, and do go wrong, I have still found joy. I am thrilled at what I see going on around me. Some things annoy me, but I am finding joy in the place I am.
"God is good ALL the time"
|Tuesday, May 4th, 2004|
|Loss of a friend
As I have been sitting here this evening mourning the loss of a friend, a friend who I met 13 years ago in an NA room. Whose first words I heard out of his mouth were "I would like to hear about complacency". I seen him last week with 42 days clean, and this week he died. My heart breaks for his family, and for his NA family, who loved him unconditionally, and who prayed for him continually.
This thing called addiction, grabs some people, and never lets go. I have been thinking about the reading in NA, let's pray for the still sick and suffering addict, Who may never make it back, and he didn't.
I only hope that someone close to him realizes the grips and control addictions have over people, and the end result are, jails, institutions, and death. It certainly holds true.
As I heard saturday, "this is serious business folks, it is a matter of life and death", and here we have it, it was a matter of life and death.
I just ask you, my friends, to please pray for his family, and his NA family, and for the addict who is still controlled by an addiction, caught in the grip not knowing how to let go.
This is reality, not some story, but LIFE AND DEATH. And it was proven to me again. RECOVERY is serious, not a game. LIFE or DEATH.
This Jouranl is my least favorite thing, but I know many of you read this, and his family needs your prayers. Thanks!!
|Friday, April 16th, 2004|
|A wonderful day
As I sit here taking care of 2 sick children, wondering why is this happening, what is so good in syracuse that the evil one always tries to keep us away. The Good thing is the babysitter will still watch them, regardless. They have been well all week, and now this happens. We are still going, looking forward to learning something, meeting a new network of recovering people, and just a little time to think about things.
As I spoke with my brother this morning, after a four month MIA status, and knowing he has no faith, and no believe. He began to tell me about a great Job opportunity that is is the making for him. i told him I have been praying for you, and I think God has his finger on you, His response"yeah, well, maybe" He just had so much Good news, and he sounded so happy. He and his separated wife, are going to try to make it work. I will continue to pray for him, and her, and of course Mom.
mom lives in brothers house, makes for a little uneasiness for me, and not wanting to get involved, but I had to tell the news to her because of his excitement. Well, the old guilt trip, "what about me?" What about you?, have you ever just wanted your children to do well, be happy, and have a dream job, or is it always about you. Oh I forgot, always about you!
I am having difficulty with her today, the guilt, the selfishness, and of course the unkind words. I hope I never become a Mom like that, dependent on my children for shelter, food, and anything to make live easy. I have never understood her, never will, but I am not letting her ruin my day.
Live is good, the birds are singing, heard the crickets last night. The joys of Gods, creations. Simple things.
Just for today, I will keep it simple!!!!!
it is the only way for me to keep it in today, and today is all I have..