I am starting to build resentments, and they are not good for this recovering soul.
God knows the outcome, but do I want to keep rehashing the series of events that took place, NO! it is not good for me. When people are in control, and not the one who is actually in control, I start doubting.
I am at a place where I feel that isolation is the best way, however I know it isn't. But what a better way, to run and hide from the things that have hindered my growth. As a child I used to escape with food, alcohol, drugs, and anything that would take the pain away. I sometimes wonder if it would no be the best way, but I know it isn't.
As i was reading Patsy Clairmont's book, she writes about her grandmother, a women who loved the lord, and followed him closely. She was locked in a closet with noone around, and she prayed, and continued to pray, and the door opened. There was noone around, and she knew that the lord had answered her prayer. I am waiting with anticipation for him to answer our prayers. I know he will but is the prayer I am praying the wrong one. Is it really time to go, and leave a place that was so comfortable, or do I wait for him to answer the prayer many are praying? i do not know.
For today, I will focus on what is important. I will try not to think about escaping to a place where pain is not felt, where life goes on without you. I will have hope that the lord will fix the mess. But I don't know what to do.
Do I stay or do I go? Only HE knows.